The healthiest thing I could do to deal with the hurt of feeling like my marriage was a lie and everything was falling apart was to focus on my relationship with God. Instead of praying to ask for change in my husband, I was praying for change in me. Of course I prayed for my husband and prayed for strongholds to be broken, but I kept in simple and prayed for a heart change. I prayed for his desire to be Jesus and then I focused on myself. Based on my reaction, my feelings, my thoughts, and my crazy roller coaster of emotions, I knew I needed a heart change too and needed truth. I knew I needed to see my husband through the eyes of Christ and as a brother instead of my husband. Looking at him from this perspective has helped tremendously and helped with forgiveness too. I turned to Bible Journaling and just journaling in a notebook. I would journal verses that spoke truth to me, verses that I held onto and any verses Brian shared that were helping him.
I would ask myself questions or whatever doubts I had, I would find scripture to settle my doubt and have truth. Here are a few verses that have helped so much:
Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
Psalm 8:10 “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O lord have not forsaken those who seek you.”
1 Corinthians 1:9 “God is faithful.”
2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
Philippians 3:14 “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:18 “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
James 1:2 “Count in all joy, my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds.”
1 Peter 3:3-4 “Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
Isaiah 25:3 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trust you.”
Jeremiah 17:7-8 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
Your relationship with Christ is the most important relationship you can possibly have. If you want other relationships to grow, your relationship with Jesus MUST be first and have priority over all.
My relationship with Jesus has grown so much over the past seven months and I am so thankful for what we are going through even though it is hard and painful. I wouldn’t change it because as a couple we are sobmuch better, as individuals, and as Christ followers.
We still have a lot to learn and we won’t ever know it all or do things perfectly, but having each other and encouraging each other with our walks with Christ is the most amazing relationship I could ever dream of having with my husband.