I so badly miss my old hobbies. I miss working out and enjoying it. I miss bible journaling and enjoying the process. I miss finding a simple sewing pattern on Pinterest and just giving it a go. I miss baking randomly and eating way too many cookies. I miss nap time when all the kids would nap at the same time and I would have a couple hours to eat lunch and listen to a podcast or journal or do whatever I wanted. I miss feeling like I had things under control. My house would be cleaned (even the bathrooms but those don’t get touched often now). Dinner would be planned and prepped. I would be dressed with make up and hair done. Everything seemed to be in order.
I used to think it was a hobby I was missing or me time but really I think I miss feeling like I have control. I miss feeling like I could control the minutes in each day.
So what happened? I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s the kids getting older and feeling like they need me more. Maybe I was too distracted then and not giving them the attention I should have. Maybe things were fine and I was in a season where I could get more done. I don’t really know. What I do know is that I feel more relaxed now. I don’t feel so rushed to keep going. I don’t feel like my to-do list has to get done or everything will fall apart. I don’t feel like I have to do it all. I’m ok with things sitting a little longer. I’m ok with staying up late to do laundry because the kids are running low on underwear. I’m ok with not having time to do hobbies that once brought me joy.
I’m thankful for the time I get with my kids. Time to snuggle up and read books. Time to have a random tea party. Time to play dinosaurs, build legos, and build forts. Time to tickle. Time to slow down and include the kids in my everyday activities. Letting them in the kitchen to help me cook. Changing how I do laundry so that it’s easier for my son and daughter to help because they want to. Pulling weeds out front instead of relaxing in the cool a/c because the kids want to go in the front yard to play. I’m thankful that I am able to wake up earlier if needed to really have time that is just for me.
As hard as it is to let go of the past and what was or wished it was, it’s exciting to look forward. To have hope for the things to come. To give up control and allow God to work out all the details. To live in the now and find joy. To be content. To just be.
Each day I’m learning. Learning to trust God. Learning to trust that He sees the bigger picture. I only see a little glimpse of the masterpiece he is creating. No matter how out of control my days might feel, He is in control and He has me. He has you!