I had lots of hope that I would keep up with this blog but once again.. life happens! This year has already been one of the toughest years I have had to go through (and we just got into April). We started the year off with a house full of sickness and that lasted about two whole months. Between the six of us we passed around pink eye, croup, ear infections and the flu. I wrapped up all the sickness with passing a kidney stone.
Our family and marriage have also gone through a really really tough season! Seriously, I never really understood how hard marriage is until we went through what we did. And I never really had to trust God the way I have had to these past two months. I also never knew how hard it is to be a parent when you have nothing else to give and depression feeling like the better option.
A simple fight and in desperation calling the cops turned into domestic violence charges, child abuse charges and so much stress and anxiety. The State of Colorado does not mess around with these sort of things (which is totally understandable but wow)! It was a lesson we learned the hard way. Thankfully all charges were dropped and everything is sealed, but it was a very hard process to go through.
It’s easy to look at the facts of what happened and see it as such a negative thing, but it was something we needed to go through to have the growth we had. Both within our marriage and individually.
I am so confident that God truly works out ALL things for His good! Because I see Him working in my life. Although it’s not always clear, He always moves in ways that are far better than I could ever imagine.
I have also never felt so unsure of what my future holds.
I didn’t realize how much I control every detail from day to day to months out.
It really gives me anxiety and stresses me out to not know what tomorrow or next week holds because I’m a planner. I like to know what is ahead of me but this year has been a huge eye opener. I am not in control (no matter how much I think I am).
The stress and anxiety has pushed me to really seek God. To be in prayer continuously and to give things to Him and allow Him to move.
Although I wish we didn’t have to go through tough times to grow, I’m thankful for the opportunities that have come into my life. They put me in a position to trust Him more.
I wish I could say I have trusted him perfectly but that would be a lie. It’s not easy. It’s hard to trust.
I still don’t know what tomorrow holds or next week. There are so many unknowns. So many things that I don’t think I’ll know if they are from God or my own selfishness.
But I’m trusting. I know He is good. He gots me. He is for me. He loves me. He is here with me. I’m not alone. He holds my world in his hands. He holds it all and knows every single details. I serve a God who is deserving of my trust. He knows me better than I know myself.
I’m constantly learning how to let go. It’s a moment by moment decision for me.